Love, War and Potions
by ProfessionalDementor
Summary: It all started in Potions... What will Hermione do when she's paired with her worst enemy? If a makeover, a bet, an empty corridor and Ginny and Blaise's schemes can't get Hermione and Draco together, then nothing will! Dramione. Review, please!
1. Chapter 1 Hangover from Honeyduke's

Chapter One – Hangover from Honeyduke's

"If any of you believe that it was my idea to combine years in a single potions class, you are mistaken. 5th year Gryffindors are bad enough – when they are paired with 4th years, I start to get aneurisms."

Hermione and Ginny shared a grin. Snape's chiding was somewhat funny, albeit its snarky undertones. The class was a trial of a new regime at Hogwarts. After some animosity between years (mainly involving an uprising in the Slytherin dungeons that involved a nose being hexed off, shredded boxers and the explosion of an antique couch), Dumbledore had experienced (yet another) spark of insanity and decided to have classes shared between years. Suffice to say, Snape was less than pleased, especially after noticing the animated conversations between many students, namely the normally studious Hermione Granger and one of those Weasleys.

Potions was a complete mess – one of the first unsuccessful classes in Hermione's whole school career. Unfortunately, just as Ginny and Hermione had reached the most precarious and intricate eighth step of the Scouring Draught, Ginny nearly upended the table. "LOOK!" she said in loud whisper, pointing frantically at a gossip article in the Witch Weekly nestled in her lap, in the process dropped the stir stick into the potion and accidentally pushing half of the ingredients into the cauldron. But before Hermione could check out the unsightly photos leaked of one of the Weird Sister's boyfriends, Snape was upon them.

"All I see Ms. Weasley," he sneered, the hint of a sneer visible on his pale face, "is a ruined potion." With that, he vanished the contents of the cauldron. "No marks for you two," he said wickedly, a smirk playing on his lips. Ginny just shrugged, but Hermione looked slightly shocked.

"No… marks?" she said in a small voice. Snape, to her misfortune, had overheard.

"Yes Ms. Granger," he growled. "And 10 points from Gryffindor."

Several Slytherins laughed mockingly, Malfoy shooting Hermione an arrogant smirk. She gave an exasperated huff and flounced out of the classroom. Ginny looked after her, slightly confused.

"But Hermione, what about the Weird Sisters?"

The next morning before classes, Hermione slumped onto the couch in the common room, next to Ginny. "I can't believe I got a zero," she groaned .

"Hey! Are you trying to make me feel bad? I know you're used to getting Os and all that, but for the rest of us…." Ginny wiggled her eyebrows and dug into her bag, pulling out a half eaten bar of chocolate from the detritus of papers and hasty notes in her bag. "I bet some of Honeyduke's finest might cheer you up!" she said, waving the chocolate enticingly. Hermione shook her head, still rather put off. Ginny shrugged nonchalantly. "All the more for me then." She stuffed it into her mouth with abandon.

"Ginny," Hermione began carefully.

"Mmpf?"

"Maybe today you shouldn't, you know, bring your Witch Weeklys and candy and junk to class… so we could try to brew a respectable potion…" There was a considerable pause.

"You tell me now! The chocolate is eaten 'Mione! And I am getting hyper!"

Hermione was dreading Double Potions. Why, why, why did it have to be second, leaving Ginny no recovery time from her Honeyduke's? Ginny was anything but immune from chocolate – it was impossible to have a coherent conversation with her, let alone brew a sophisticated potion after she had gorged herself on it. Hermione was dreading Potions so much that History of Magic actually seemed to fly by. When Binns finished a seemingly miniscule lecture on troll revolts in the 1400s, she actually felt disappointed. Oh, this was _not_ going to be good. Sure enough, by the time Ginny had entered the classroom, she managed to almost topple a cauldron and tripped several times on her way to her seat.

"Oi! What's your sister been drinking mate?" Harry asked Ron, amused. Ron looked up from Snape's essay, which he had conveniently left for the beginning of class, and stared at his sister with dread. "Oh Merlin," he whispered. "Don't tell me someone gave her chocolate."

By the end of class, it was clear to everyone that Ginny Weasly should never, ever have chocolate. "Eff, eff, EFF!" Hermione breathed to herself as she was packing up her books after her worst Potions ever.

"Oh, so little Goody-two-shoes Granger is finally failing Potions?"

"Go _away_ Malfoy!"

"That the best you can do? Ah well, you're probably pretty pissed at that Weasel for spilling your potion on Snape… but it was you who put the ingredients wrong in the first place, Mudblood."

"Don't call me that! And it wasn't my fault – If I hadn't restrained Ginny she would have wrecked the entire classroom!"

"More like she would've raced over to the Slytherin side of class. I heard that stupid Blood Traitor was just drooling to give me and Zabini lap dances…. We're irresistible, right Granger?"

"Shut up! You conceited, arrogant, big-headed, vain, egotistical, pretentious, shallow-!" Before she could finish her tirade of insults, he had slipped out the doors. She looked down. The ferret had spelled her bag, leaving it split down the middle, the contents spilling out.

"MALFOY, YOU GIT!"

"Language, Ms. Granger," said a silky voice. "Oh, and that'll be _another _10 points from Gryffindor."  
Hermione rushed to collect her spilled items, still muttering furiously under her breath.

Ginny aimlessly twisted her quill in Divination. Even by her standards, Potions had been, well, dreadful. She didn't know what was worse: losing a total of about 50 points for Gryffindor, spilling a shrinking solution (it was _supposed_ to be a weightless drought, but the steps were rather botched…) all over Snape or landing herself and Hermione in three weeks of detention. Ginny had never seen Snape so angry. Admittedly, his livid, blotchy face had looked comical when he was about 4 inches tall, but on a full size Snape, it had looked utterly terrifying. Just the thought of that incensed expression made Ginny shiver.

"Seeing any visions, my dear? Feeling those clairvoyant vibrations?" Trelawney asked, her misty tones jolting Ginny out of her thoughts.

"Erm, yes Professor," Ginny said, not really thinking.

"Really! What do you _see_, Ms. Weasley?"

"I'm going to fail Potions and spend my life in perpetual detention with Snape."

"You have the true makings of a Seer, Ms. Weasley…"

"Due to the fact that some of the students," Snape glared pointedly at Ginny and Hermione, who squirmed in their seats, "feel the need to _disrupt_ class…. We will be switching seats. Permanently," he said, voice stony. "I have made seating arrangements that should result in a _hopefully_ more productive class." He stopped, looking pensive. "Though you can never tell with Gryffindors; all brawn and no brains, you know," he drawled, generating some snickers from the Slytherins. "Very well," he said, snapping his fingers. A sheet of parchment flew to him, covered with neat script. "Let's see…," he said, reading off the list. "Potter and Parkinson." Hermione gave Harry a glance of sympathy. "Warrington and Mr. Weasley." Ron grumbled as he trudged toward the empty seat next to the hulking Slytherin. "Zabini and Weasly." Malfoy sneered at Hermione. "Maybe the little blood traitor can give her lap dance yet." Hermione just rolled her eyes, until Snape called her name.

"Granger and…. Malfoy."

Oh _eff._


	2. Chapter 2 Plate Tectonics

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its concepts, and obviously I am not JK Rowling. With that, let's proceed to…

Chapter Two – Plate Tectonics

"Oh come on Hermione, it's not that bad," Ginny said as the two lounged on the common room couch, Hermione furiously scribbling a Charms essay. Ginny popped a Pepper Imp into her mouth (no chocolate allowed!). "In fact," she continued, "Malfoy's pretty hot-" Before she could finish, Hermione cut her off shrilly.  
"How in the name of Merlin could you find that stupid, arrogant ferret _attractive_?"  
Ginny ignored Hermione's gagging noises and horrified expression. "Well, Blaise isn't exactly ugly…" she said calmly. Hermione gave her a disbelieving look. "Maybe you should get your eyes checked," she said loudly. "While you're fawning over those _snakes_ – and a _ferret" _she paused and crossed her arms. "_I'm _going to the library to finish my Charms." With that outburst, she stormed to the dormitory. Ginny just shrugged. As soon as Hermione had disappeared, Ron meandered over. "What's this about getting your eyes checked, Gin? Lemme guess," he started eagerly. "You've finally admitted that you find a certain Hero of Wizardry absolutely irresistible and you want to ask him out?"  
"Harry?" Ginny laughed. "Are you kidding? I was referring to Draco and Blaise."  
"Zabini? _Malfoy!?_ Were you drinking firewhiskey with your chocolate? Bloody hell, Ginny! As your brother I-"  
Before he could finish, Ginny turned from the couch and hurried up the girl's stairway, leaving a spluttering Ron in her wake.

Unfortunately for Hermione, she did not find peace in the library, her usual sanctuary. Before she could even write 5 inches about the sticking charm, two hyper girls bounded into the seats across from her.  
"Alright Lavender, Parvati," Hermione said, already expecting what the girl were here for. "I've told you too many times, _I can't help you with your homework until I finish mine." _Hermione waited for the disappointed little sighs, the sad looks, but none came. Instead she heard a stifled giggling from Lavender's seat. "What?" asked Hermione impatiently, glancing back towards her essay, then the clock. "Well," Lavender and Parvati simpered together. "We heard," Lavender wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "That a certain someone is sitting next to the Slytherin Prince in Potions!" By the end of the sentence, both girls' voices had escalated into high, giddy tones. "Like, you are so lucky 'Mione," Lavender gushed. "Maybe we could like, go shopping together… you know, and you could, like, introduce me to _Draco."_  
Parvati looked slightly jealous. "Me too! Me and _Draco_ are like, buddies! He borrowed a quill from me once…" her face lapsed into a dreamy, vacant expression.  
"Sorry girls," said Hermione, unsure whether to be exasperated or just start laughing. "I don't know why everyone thinks I'm interested in him, but I personally think he's a detestable, arrogant git."  
Satisfied with her explanation, she turned on her heel, noticing, with a hint of amusement, Parvati and Lavender's shocked and affronted faces.

"Ugh, Charms with the Slytherins," Hermione complained to Ginny as she glanced at her schedule. Ginny grinned and mouthed, "_Draco."_ Hermione lightly whacked her with the Charms textbook. She had calmed down over the issue; it was laughable and almost funny that anyone would think that she liked that slimy little Slytherin. In fact, she was already planning revenge on Malfoy for calling her a Mudblood. She remembered that delicious moment in third year when her fist had collided with his smirking face. Hermione smiled to herself.

Further down the hallway, Malfoy was also smiling. "Oh, I am so going to make that Mudblood's life hell. Snape was smart to seat us together – Potions is going to be a lot more interesting." Suddenly, a dark haired girl popped up beside him. "Interesting, Draco? You're _interested_ in that Mudblood!?"  
"You know, Pansy," Draco sneered. "As of now, we're not going out anymore," he paused to see the indignant, hurt and surprised look on her face, "so I can be _interested_ in anyone I want. And for the record, I'm not at all interested in that-"  
Pansy cut him off. "You'll pay for this." She turned on her heel, eyes bright with tears. Blaise looked at him with admiration. "Nice one, mate. She always was a little, er, clingy for my tastes. And there's no way she could make you 'pay,' I mean come on, she's just Parkinson!"  
"Yeah," Draco replied, content to leave it at that and smiling at the hero worship from Blaise.

During Charms, Draco couldn't help glancing, with a hint of vicious glee, at Pansy, who was glaring daggers at anyone other than him. The second he turned his back, though, he could feel her eyes burning into him. He leaned over and placed his hand suggestively on Daphne Greengrass's leg and winked at her. He heard a snort of rage that must have been Pansy and snickered. He was about start toying with one of the other Slytherin girls when Professor Flitwick stopped droning and squeaked, "Everyone pair up and begin to practice the impediment charm on each other!" Draco stood up and strode over to Blaise, who was deep in concentration and setting fire to Hermione's notes. He smiled approval and nodded. Blaise looked delighted with Draco's tacit encouragement, and Draco laughed inwardly. He was interrupted by a hand at the back of his neck, roughly spinning him around. Then he was face to face with Granger – an angry Granger. "What the hell are you doing, Ferret?" she hissed through her teeth. Before Draco could hex her mouth shut, he was pulled even closer to her by an invisible force. Uncomfortably close. Hermione's shocked face showed that she too was being drawn to him to, by none of her own means. Draco turned his head, that is, as far as he could turn it away from Granger, to see a maliciously glaring Pansy. "Permanent sticking charm, Malfoy," she spat. "To spend some quality time with _Hermione – _you know, the girl you're so _interested_ in."

They were throwing spells at each other before any of the teachers could notice what happened. It wasn't much of a duel, as every time either Hermione or Draco pulled their arm back to point a wand and shout a spell, the limb got pulled immediately back towards the other. Hermione finally figured out a solution to the problem that happened to be stopping the two students from hexing each other into oblivion. Keeping her arm as close to Draco as possible, she muttered a complicated isolation charm on her right arm. A wicked, nearly Slytherin-like grin on her face, she pulled her newly free arm back and fired a quick succession of Jelly Legs, Bat Bogey Hex and a Furnunculus Curse for good measure. Draco, now looking far less than his usual primped, impeccable self, ignored the flapping bogeys and performed an isolation charm on his arm as well. He sneered, then shot a perfectly aimed Conjunctivitus Curse. Hermione screamed, her eyes swelling shut. Despite her injury, she managed to hit Draco with a Confundus Charm that left him temporarily incapacitated.  
"Damn you, Granger! Take this!" he mumbled a complicated spelled that made a sound like a whip cracking through the air.  
"Protego!" Just in time, Hermione blocked the nasty curse, eyes still swollen shut, relying on hearing and guesswork to aim the spells.  
"Silencio!" Hermione yelled, hoping against hope that Draco didn't know how to cast non-verbal spells. Before anyone could find out though, Dumbledore hurried into the room.  
"Problem, Filius?" Before waiting for the diminutive Charms professor to answer, Dumbledore hovered the two rather worse-for-wear students out of the classroom.

Hermione and Draco sat across from Dumbledore, hardly noticing the headmaster with the concentration they were pouring into glaring at each other.  
"The filthy ferret was-" Hermione began, rage evident in her voice.  
"It was the mudblood! She was-" Draco said at the same time, racking his brains for a plausible story that would blame a Gryffindor, Silencio charm clearly worn off.  
"There will be no need for name calling," Dumbledore started, but when neither student heeded him, he merely settled back to listen. The Gryffindor and the Slytherin ranted angrily about the events that had occurred, both seemingly unaware that one couldn't be heard over the other. Finally, both finished their versions of the story. Dumbledore clasped his hands. "First, let's get you both cleaned up." He waved his wand with a twisting movement, and Hermione felt her eyes go back to their normal size. Draco's boils dissipated and all traces of bogey were cleaned. "Now," said Dumbledore, satisfied with his work. "Although I could easily separate you two, I believe you're bright enough to figure it out. And some inter-house unity would be much appreciated as well! If you can work together to detach yourselves, I may refrain from docking points from either of your houses. And I can put in a good word for you for Severus, Draco. Although you might just be on your own with Minerva, Miss Granger." With a wink and a twinkle of his startlingly blue eyes, Dumbledore was gone.  
"Ugh," mumbled Draco. "Must his eyes _always_ be so, er, twinkly?"  
Hermione laughed in spite of herself. "So, any ideas of how to remove a permanent sticking charm without fatally damaging either of us?"  
"More like fatally damaging me and any of my fine anatomy – you're already damaged, merchandise, you Mudblood."  
"You're impossible!"  
"Well I wasn't the one who… er…."  
"Yeah, that's right, Malfoy! It's all your fault!"  
Draco looked enraged. "You think if I hex you any points will be taken from Slytherin?"  
"Shut up! You know, I'm going to figure this out, not to help you or anything." Hermione began thinking aloud to herself. "Hmm… so we're currently being bound by magic… but what _exactly_ is magic? If we could just figure out its nature, you know, we could use a splitting charm, or something on the magic. I don't know…"  
"You're absolutely barking mad, you know that Granger? I vote we bribe Dumbles with some lemon drops and he'll have us apart in a flash."  
"There's a new one," Hermione said, raising her eyebrows. "I wonder what he'd say – he'd have to choose between supporting house unity or indulging in his life's essence." The two shared a brief, brief grin. Malfoy's eyes widened and he wiped his expression back into a frown. Hermione looked away abruptly, pondering the wood of the desk. To distract himself from the fact he had actually just smiled at a Mudblood, Draco started thinking about how he could possibly detach himself from Granger.  
"How 'bout I put an even firmer permanent sticking charm on you and like, the chair and then I start running. You might get stretched a bit… but you can handle it."  
"No way! My idea is better!"  
"Yeah well until you can ponder for hours over 'what magic is made of' we're stuck here, and you have bad breath!"  
"Speak for yourself, Malfoy. Ever heard of deodorant?"  
"Hey!"  
"You know, this is getting us absolutely nowhere! Why don't we try using a method that intensifies the charm, putting pressure on it by moving in rather than out. Like an earthquake and tectonic plates, when the pressure is high enough, _snap!_ If we're lucky we might be separated."  
Malfoy looked skeptical. "Tectonic plates?"  
"Muggle concept."  
"Ah." To Hermione's surprise, he didn't make a jab at her non-magical reference.  
Hermione continued. "When Pansy spelled us, we were standing a bit apart. Although the spell moved us closer with its force, there are still inches between us… so if we tested that limit…"  
"I sorta see your logic. Right then, erm, press against my hands, I guess?" he held up his palms. She tentatively met his hands with her own. Before they could try to push each other, Draco snatched his hands away. "Ugh… touching a Mudblood."  
"Oh suck it up you wuss! Do you want to be stuck to me for eternity?" Malfoy reluctantly raised his palms once again.  
"Now," said Hermione. "Pretend you were giving me a 'high five'" – Malfoy snorted – "and then tried to push me over with your palms. Go!" Their hands slapped together and pressed… harder… and HARDER. Suddenly, Hermione felt a jerk backward. She suddenly felt independent from Malfoy. "Yes! It worked!" Awkwardly, the two looked at their intertwined hands and hurried to separate. "Not a bad idea…" Malfoy begrudgingly offered. "… for a Mudblood."  
Hermione just smiled. Draco mentally gasped. _Since when is she not screaming at me for calling her a Mudblood? I must be losing my touch._

Almost as though she was reading his mind, Hermione said, "Don't you know? After you've used an insult, I don't know, 642 times, it gets rather old and loses its bite, if you know what I mean." With that, she turned and strode out of the room. Draco scratched his head.

Hermione hurried through the corridors towards Gryffindor tower. She had to admit, Draco wasn't, well, bad looking. And kind of cute when he was puzzled. _Wait, did I just call him cute?_ She thought to herself. _Whatever this is, it has to end. If Ginny ever found out I had remote feelings for that ferret… _Hermione was determined to forget everything that had happened in the office that day. That awkward smile, the hand incident, it all meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. She had to stop thinking about him. He was a Slytherin! And there was nothing better to distract Hermione from dangerously good looking Slytherins than Potions homework. Just as she reached the portrait hole, Hermione began fishing in her bag for the half finished essay. Anticipating a relaxing evening, mind solely focused on bezoars, wrought iron cauldrons and the uses of temperate forest plants in brewing, she meandered into the common room… only to be met by a bouncing Ginny.  
"Ohmigod ohmigod! You were alone, with Draco, in a room, attached by a Permanent Sticking Charm!!! Tell me evvvvverything, dahling!"  
"Ginny, no," Hermione admonished, the way one might scold a puppy. Happy to brush past her friend and begin her work, Hermione began to head towards the couch.  
"Oh no you don't," said a new voice.  
"We're armed," one threatened, waving a hair dryer.  
"Lavender, Parvati, NO."  
"YES!" yelled Ginny, Parvati and Lavender in unison.

Oh _eff. _


	3. Chapter 3 Evil Schemes

Hi guys, it's ProfessionalDementor, and I just want to say thank you for all of your reviews. I'm kind of addicted to writing this now, hence the fast update. (it's a very good distraction from homework) Anyway, I'd really love it if you guys would review, I don't even mind if you give constructive criticism… but I might take ten points from Gryffindor…. Just kidding. So, I apologize for the cramped spacing in the past chapters, and I'm trying to fix it (who knows if I'll be successful….) And of course the usual "I am not JKR and don't own the HP series" spiel. Then let us proceed to…

Chapter Three– Evil Schemes Involving Straightening Irons

"Oh. My. God."

"You guys actually held hands?"

"I'm going to, like, faint?"

"GUYS," Hermione said exasperatedly. "It was nothing. It meant nothing. There is nothing between us!"

"We'll soon find that out," Parvati whispered. "Potions tomorrow, first!"

"Well, it seems like there's only one question left to ask," Lavender said, leaning in confidentially.

"What?" asked Hermione, relieved that the interrogation was almost over.

"Are you going to let us give you a makeover? For darling Drakey?" the three girls asked in sync, then collapsed giggling.

"What the-? NO!"  
"Fine," Ginny said. "You're safe for tonight, but…"

Somehow, Hermione thought Ginny looked far too evilly delighted to be giving up the idea. Mentally reminding herself to watch her back, she settled down to finish the Potions essay.

Hermione was roughly awoken by three pairs of hands grabbing her shoulders and dragging her out of bed.

"No…. too early… bezoar used in befuddlement drought… cold… want to go back to bed," Hermione mumbled incoherently. She was quickly shocked awake by Ginny shoving her into a freezing shower fully clothed. Hermione screeched at the barrage of icy water, and heard Ginny's laughing voice. "Come on girl, hurry up! We've only got two hours to make you fabulous for the guy of your dreams!" Hermione dazedly wondered what she had ever done to deserve this. She could hear Parvati and Lavender bustling about the dorm, and the formidable clinking of what sounded like a small army of hair care products.

Hermione emerged from the shower and began to put on her school uniform. Before she could finish pulling on her socks, Lavender dragged her to a chair placed in the middle of the room. "Sit down!" she commanded. Hermione idly noticed that she seemed far more sure of herself when it came to makeovers than homework. Parvati hurried in with a straightening iron and a bottle of mousse. Hermione closed her eyes in anguish and gritted her teeth as Lavender began to tease her hair rather ruthlessly. She yawned, exhausted. If it hadn't been for the brutal tugs of the comb through her tangled mess of a mane, she would have dozed off… She must have nodded off briefly, because the next thing she knew, Parvati was approaching, smiling broadly at her new 'do. Hermione glanced down and saw the sparkly eye shadow, 300x mascara and other makeup products that Parvati was clutching.

"You can't actually expect me to wear this stuff!" Hermione exclaimed, looking at the glittery makeup. "I just don't wear these kind of things! It's not me! I'll look like…"

"No, just trust me!" Parvati said. "Why do you think I get all those Hogsmeade dates? I'm a master a makeup, so shut your trap and let me put this stuff on!" Hermione weakly obeyed, allowing Parvati to smear her mouth with lip gloss, then begin decorating her eyes with varying shades of eye shadow, liner and mascara. Fifteen minutes later, Parvati stepped back and admired her work. She quickly transfigured a textbook into a hand mirror.

"Ginny!" She yelled. "Come see our masterpiece!"

Ginny emerged, clutching a bag of fizzing whizbees. She nodded her approval. "Lookin' gooood. Malfoy's gonna be drooling over you like this!"

Hermione reluctantly picked up the hand mirror, apprehensive of who she might see in it. She took one glance.

"Er, what can I say? It does look rather good? I think?"

"You think!" yelled Lavender. "Show some appreciation Granger! Come on, we did awesome, right?"

"Right," said Hermione feebly. In truth, Hermione was completely shocked. She had never, ever been a makeover girl, never worn makeup for everyday occasions and at most ran a comb through her hair. She stared at the super-glossy, straightened but still voluminous locks, the eyes that looked bigger and brighter with the new eye makeup. Then she glanced at the clock. "Merlin! We have five minutes to get to breakfast!" She grabbed her books and started to head down the stairs when Ginny stopped her and spun her around.

"Wait! Unbutton your shirt two holes, and hike up your skirt about four inches if you _really_ want Malfoy to have a fit."

"No way!" Hermione said, but as soon as the three girls had retreated into the dorm, she quickly followed Ginny's advice, cheeks flushing.

"If those three take this makeover thing any farther, I'll wind up looking like Lucius Malfoy," she muttered to herself.

"What about Lucius Malfoy and a-" Ron stared at Hermione for a good ten seconds. "Makeover," he breathed. Without another word, he fled out of the portrait hole, looking rather unsteady. Hermione chased him after a second.

"Does it really look that bad?" she asked, concerned.

"Bad? Hermione, it looks, well, I, er, don't know what to say," he mumbled, face reddening. Hermione glared at him. Quickly realizing the awkward situation he had got himself into, Ron muttered, "You look good. Yeah. Really good…" With that, he escaped, grumbling, "_girls."_

Hermione nervously hurried downstairs towards Potions. Why was she nervous? She didn't like the ferret, she didn't care what he thought, she didn't care what anyone thought. She had only gotten her hair straightened and put on some decent makeup, nothing had changed, he was still a ferret and she was still a Mudblood. With that thought firmly in place, she strode into the Potions classroom and sat in her seat. To her relief, Malfoy hadn't come yet. She amusedly noticed that Ginny and Blaise were sitting far too close together than would be appropriate for school and that they kept shooting each other huge grins, silently giggling and then turning away. Hermione glanced at Harry, who was watching Pansy with mild interest, who was carving Snape's name in hearts on the table. Hermione sniggered at this rather unconventional crush, but before she could see how Ron was dealing with Warrington, Malfoy swept in. "Hi," Hermione said in a clipped voice. He didn't respond. "Sodding git," Hermione mumbled, garnering a sharp glare from Malfoy.

"Filthy Mudblood," he shot back.

"What don't you get about the whole 'Mudblood' thing getting old?" Hermione said, pasting a bored look on her face, though slightly miffed that he hadn't noticed her change of appearance. She stifled a smile as she saw his frustrated face. She was distracted by Snape's voice droning instructions. Hermione snuck a glance at Pansy, who was absolutely enraptured. Hermione snickered again and began to follow the instructions on the board. Malfoy, meanwhile, sat lazily in his chair, refusing to do any of the work.

"Cut these roots, will you, Malfoy? We need to finish this at the end of the period! Let's go!"

"No…" Malfoy drawled. "I think I'll just, you know, sit here. I'm kind of tired."

"You know as well as I do that one person can't finish this on their own! How are you going to explain to Snape when you don't have a finished potion?"

"Isn't obvious?" Malfoy remarked, bored. "I've been paired with an incompetent Gryffindor who deserves no marks and detention."

Hermione huffed and began working even faster. Malfoy began hexing unsuspecting Gryffindors. He sent a shock charm at Seamus Finnigan, causing him to jump out of his seat just as Snape was passing him by. "What was that, Finnigan?" Snape growled.

Malfoy piped up, "He was just twitching, sir, because apparently he thinks you're an 'ugly old bat.' I heard him talking about you a minute ago."

Snape's face turned white and he glowered at Seamus. "Twenty points from Gryffindor!"

After two similar incidents involving Lavender and Neville, Malfoy seemed to grow rather tired of Snape doing nothing but taking points from Gryffindor, although about a total of 70 had been deducted. Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione say Malfoy aiming something at Ginny and she hurried to counter it. She was too late. Malfoy had vanished Ginny's shirt, leaving a mortified Ginny, Ron in clinical shock, Snape scarred for life and Hermione about to curse Malfoy's head off.  
Before Snape could digest what had happened (or stop covering his eyes and cowering under his desk – Snape could deal with torture, Veritaserum and serving a diabolical master, but this was much too much), Ron, Hermione and Ginny surrounded Malfoy. After firing a succession of curses at him, Malfoy's face was obscured by flapping bogeys, boils and other disgusting mutants of hexes.

Oh_ eff_.


	4. Chapter 4 Meditation Classes

Disclaimer: I don't own HP and am obviously not JKR… and you have all heard the rest before, so let's proceed to…

Chapter Four – Meditation Classes

"I officially hate being hexed into oblivion! For the second time this week!" fumed Draco.

"I kinda see your point, mate, but couldn't you have put up a Protego or something?"

"Shut up, Blaise!" Although the other student complied, Draco was still angry that his fan base wasn't giving him hero worship for enduring all those nasty curses.

"Well, I just wanted to tell you something," Blaise said nervously.

"What, that you and Crabbe secretly eloped?" Draco said mockingly.

Blaise rolled his eyes. "NO, I was actually proposing-"

"To Goyle?"

" – a bet."

Draco rubbed his palms together. "_That _is something I could deal with. Remember last year?" He grinned at the thought. Blaise had bet him 50 galleons that he couldn't get Snape and McGonagall together… sure it had cost him 50 galleons, but it had been about the most entertaining thing that year.

"OK, I'm betting 30 galleons and a cone bra that you can't make Hermione Mudblood Granger willingly go out with you _and_ make out with you. You always boast about getting any girl you want, but somehow I just have a tiny, tiny feeling that Granger might not be drooling all over you like 98% of the female Hogwarts population."

"Come on! Who do you think I am? The Weasle King? This is going to be a piece of cake – I'm not called the Slytherin Prince for nothing. But really Blaise, a cone bra? Oh well, I could use it as a suck up gift to my dad… I'm sure he'd be very interested in how that would look under his Death Eater robes." Both boys snickered.

"OK then, so it's official. By the time we leave Hogwarts, I will have tricked little Ms. Mudblood Granger into dating the hottest boy in the year."

"Yeah," said Blaise, giving Draco a look for the 'hottest boy' quote.

"Oh and Blaise, what _is_ going on between you and the Weaselette?"  
Blaise looked down and shrugged. He muttered an unconvincing "Nothing," then bolted from the room.

...

"Harry, since when are you dressing like, well, an even more Goth version of Snape?"

"You think I look like Snape?" Harry's voice came out strangely hopeful. "Do you happen to have any black nailpolish, 'Mione? Or a billowing black cape?"

Hermione scratched her head. Suddenly, she exclaimed, "This is about Pansy, isn't it! You like her and she likes-" Hermione shuddered "-Snape, so you're emulating Snape. All I can say, Harry, is that you're making a huge mistake! How do you think Ron is going to take this?"

Just then Ron, bounded into the room, giving Hermione a skittish glance. "Oi! Harry you look hot, I mean great! I am digging the black guyliner! Where'd you get it, can I have some?"

"You guys are insufferable-"

"What does that mean?" interrupted a bewildered Ron.

"What are you anyway, Ronald? Harry's _fangirl?"_ Hermione felt badly the instant she had said it, but decided that, knowing Ron, he would forget the comment after his next meal. At that thought, Hermione rolled her eyes and stalked out of the common room and up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

...

"Blaise! What are you doing here?"

"Shh! Keep it down! Now get in here so we can discuss the _plan." _"In a broom closet? Don't tell me that _all_ you want to do is discuss… I can think of several other activities that wouldn't require words…"

"Well that, too," Blaise said eagerly.

Ginny ducked into the broom closet and quietly closed the door.

"So you proposed the bet?"

"Yeah, and I saw that you had no trouble recruiting Parvati and Lavender."

"I'd expect to see them together within a month."

"A month? More like two weeks! They're perfect for each other!"

Ginny snorted. "I don't know. Then again, if Draco can withstand one of her 'Granger rages,' then he might be able to survive as her boyfriend."

"It's not a question of whether _he_ will survive, it's his ego I'm worried about."

"We need a backup plan. You have _no_ idea how stubborn Hermione can be."

"Backup later, broom closet _now_. I need to show you that Ican dethrone Draco from his position as best kisser. "

...

Hermione had been a topic that just kept popping up in Draco's thoughts. He had a certain _attraction _to her hot temper and rather uncontrollable rages, as infuriating as they initially were. He would obviously never tell anyone; he would reel her in like a spider with a cleverly entwined web, date her and make out with her mercilessly, and no Slytherin would ever find out that he actually liked her. In fact, he was hoping to keep the entire thing between him and Blaise – misunderstandings could have fatal consequences in Slytherin. Draco shuddered, partially imagining Pansy's face if he saw him and the Mudblood snogging and partially in disgust that he was actually starting to like – no, tolerate – Granger. She wasn't remarkable to look at, although her makeover didn't hurt; not exotically beautiful like the Patils, nor glamorous like the Brown wench, nor slutty like Pansy. But she was one of the only girls who didn't faint at his presence and even picked fights (which were remarkably stress relieving) with him! The only other students who were daring enough to get back at Malfoy and his taunts were Potty, Weasel and Weaselette, and there was no way that Draco was going out with any of them. Granger presented a _challenge_, and Draco rather liked that.

Hermione at the moment was sulking in her room, although she wouldn't call it sulking.

"Hermione, what are you doing? There are still boys to be ensnared, so why are you hiding your pretty head under your Potions book?"

"I'm MEDITATING Lavender, you're disrupting my peaceful vibrations, so get the hell away from me!" Hermione snarled.

"Peaceful," Lavender snorted as she hurried out of the room, stopping in the doorway for a long moment to glare at Hermione, then flouncing off.

The second she had left, Hermione jumped from the bed and hurried down the stairs, out the portrait hole and down the corridor. She absentmindedly turned down various twisting corridors, randomly changing floors whenever she felt like it. Once she was good and lost, she plopped on a bench in an empty hallway. In front of her, a bay window gaped down onto a courtyard. She saw a distant group of Slytherins lounging on the courtyard benches and glared. _Slytherins_. Stressed to a breaking point and convinced she was alone, Hermione began ranting to herself and letting all of her steam out into the corridor.

"Slytherins! Sodding pricks!" She glowered at her reflection in the window for a moment. "He didn't even notice! Yeah, so I wake up at four in the morning, get thrown into a negative six degree shower, endure Lavender's prattling, let her rip my hair from my scalp, allow Parvati to boss me around, smear sodding eye shadow on me and he doesn't even notice! Instead I get sodding Ron drooling all over me! And Harry goes Goth on me! And no one gets it! Those stupid, arrogant, insensitive, evil, unfeeling, SODDING SLYTHERINS!"

"Finished insulting my house, Granger?"

"Malfoy! You insolent, eavesdropping, filthy prat! Get away from me! I hate you! I HATE YOU! NOW BUGGER OFF!"

Malfoy could practically hear Zabini's taunting voice in his head as he watched Granger scream at him. _I guess she's one girl who doesn't fancy me_, he thought.

"Wow, someone needs serious anger management classes or a meditation class with Dumbles… you know, maybe get into a more _peaceful_ state of mind…"

Suddenly, Granger started hysterically laughing. All Draco could make out was the word "peaceful" amidst choking giggles.

"Are… you… okay?"

Hermione gulped for air, still silently laughing. Draco looked at her. She looked much better laughing, better than her usual scowling, super smart and prissy expression.

"Okay…, maybe I better just leave." He turned, about to head back to the dungeons, when her voice stopped him.

"I still think you're a git, Malfoy. Just saying, you know, I don't think you're funny or anything… it was just a bit of an inside joke, and I'm worn so thin as it is…"

Draco couldn't resist. "Hm, it might just be me, Granger, but you aren't exactly thin."

Hermione gaped at him indignantly. "What the hell? Oh just 'cause your father has put you on seven different diet plans, including Muggle Weight Watchers!"

"Well," said Draco, flushing slightly. "At least they worked…"

"Oh you are just so shallow, fake, slimy, ferrety!"

" 'Ferrety' isn't a word, Granger."

"Oh, you! Wait, it is a word!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Look it up, and just admit I can kick your arse at spelling!"

"Never!"

"You just don't want to admit that you look like a ferret!"

"I DON'T!"

"SEE! And you have a receding hairline, fishy lips and an unattractively pointed chin!"

"I, well, YOU HAVE BUSHY HAIR!"

"Umm, makeover much, Malfoy?"

"Umm, alliteration much, Granger?"

"Wow, I'm surprised someone as stupid as you could identify figurative language!"

"Are you calling me stupid, Granger?"

"Who knows, I might be calling you something twenty times worse – will you need to consult Goyle about that, dunderhead?"  
"I HATE YOU!"

"SAME HERE!"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?"

"MAYBE YOU ARE ONE!"

"WHY ARE YOU SMARTER THAN ME?"

"WHY DID YOU JUST COMPLIMENT ME?"

"I DON'T KNOW – WAIT, DID YOU IMPERIO ME?"

"CLEARLY NOT, MORON! IF I DID, YOU WOULD GO THROW YOURSELF OFF THE TOP OF THE NORTH TOWER!"

"I HATE HOW YOU MAKE ME YELL! IT DOESN'T BECOME ME!"

"NOTHING BECOMES YOU, MALFOY!"

"SHUT UP!!!"

"CAN'T MAKE ME!"

"OH YES I CAN!"

"REALLY? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

"KISS ME!"

"FINE-!"

Professor Flitwick, one floor up, noticed the absence of shouting and silently thanked Merlin. "Did I hear something about meditation class?" he muttered to himself.

Down below, Hermione and Draco had finally detached themselves after several blissful (in more than one way) minutes of silence. Draco was the first to break the silence. "Guess you didn't mind my fishy lips, eh Granger?"

"Nor did you mind my apparent flab, eh Malfoy?"

"Oh shut up!"

She complied, and the two started snogging again. Little did they know…

...

Pansy paced anxiously. She could just feel that Draco was up to something… he had seen him eyeing that disgusting Mudblood. She distraughtly meandered through corridor after corridor, when a sight stopped her in her tracks. _Malfoy_, she thought to herself, and quick as a flash she was sprinting to the Gyrffindor portrait hole. She slipped in after another Gryffindor and Stupefied everyone in the common room.

"WHERE THE HELL IS COLIN CREEPY? GET OVER HERE!" She charged over to the Stupefied student and grabbed his camera. "Oh, and don't expect it back," she snarled. As soon as she had left, Colin cursed loudly.

"I didn't get time to develop the picture of Snape's arse when he was bending over to pick up that bezoar! Bollocks!"

Pansy cackled to herself as she sped down the corridors. Luckily, Draco and Hermione were still intertwined. She began snapping picture after picture of the two.

The couple broke apart when they heard a shrill voice. "JUST WAIT TILL THE WHOLE OF SLYTHERIN SEES THESE PHOTOS!" Pansy crowed.

"Damn you, Granger!" Draco yelled.

"Back at you!" Hermione yelled, mentally hitting herself over the head with a frying pan as she thought of what everyone would say when the news spread. If only there was an 'undo' spell for kissing your worst enemy.

...

"You've just committed social suicide," said Blaise after Draco told him of the events in the corridor. Despite his friend's words, Draco noticed that Blaise looked strangely triumphant.

"Are you okay?" Draco said.

"Er, yeah, erm, just saw a great shot of Snape's arse on Creepy's camera. Pansy's developing the pictures now."

Oh _eff_.

**Author's Note** -  
Verinova: Thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciated your suggestion about getting the other characters involved. I tried to get a little more Blaise/Ginny plotting and I suppose Harry became preoccupied with another 'goal.' Thanks again!  
Margaritalimes: Thank you for your very kind reviews. My ego was certainly inflated… just kidding!

On that note, I'd just like to say that I'd really love it if more readers reviewed (I know you're all probably sick of authors saying that, but…) I really encourage you to review with comments, questions, suggestions, or whatever comes to mind. At the moment, I'm updating really quickly because I had most of the chapters sitting around on my computer, but I can't go on like this forever! Basically, reviews are fuel for new chapters! (Think of that: a review eater… but I digress) Thank you anyways for reading!


	5. Chapter 5 Harrykins

Another quick update! Disclaimer: I don't own HP, and am certainly not JKR. So let's proceed to…

Chapter Six – Harry-kins

"If I have to hear another ten page letter about Yaxley's weight issues or Rookwood's authentic plaid kilt, I'm going to Avada Kedavra someone!" Draco roared. Some first and second years nervously scattered and ran to the other end of the table. Blaise looked up from his toast with a smirk.

"If that's what's in those letters old Lucius is sending you, I shudder to think what would be in the actual Death Eater newsletters."

"I don't know, maybe that Yaxley gained thirty pounds and killed a Muggle by sitting on them?"  
Both boys snorted into their breakfast, until Draco heard the unmistakable clacking of stiletto heels on flagstone.

"Pansy!" he stage whispered to Blaise. "Hide me!" With that, he dove under the table.  
A few seconds later, Pansy reached the table, taking short, shallow breaths in a shirt that looked to be at least three sizes too small.

"Buh-laise," Pansy pouted. "Have you see Draco? I want him to confess to something in front of his house…"

"Sorry Parkinson, I think he, er, just headed down to Snape's for, er, a Deatheater mission."

Pansy was not impressed with Blaise's lying skills. "Oh pur-lease. I know he's not at Snape's because I was just down there to - " she blushed fiercely. "- erm, deliver him black roses."

Blaise guffawed. "So you fancy old Snape, do ya? Oh-ho Parkinson, I don't know if I'm going to let that slide!"

"Don't you dare! Anyway, I could tell you stories about your 'best mate' Malfoy that would make your hair curl…"

"Me? With curly hair? What is it with you girls? Anyway, disregarding the hair comment, I already know about Draco's snogging stint with Granger. Come on Parkinson, you're just jealous you haven't had a good snog in months… and I don't think Snape's exactly up for that kinda thing."

Pansy crossed her arms furiously. "Fine then." She climbed atop the table, in the process smashing Blaise's glass of spiked pumpkin juice.

"Hey! Watch where you're stepping girl, that has some perfectly good firewhiskey in it!"

Pansy ignored him. She cried shrilly, "Malfoy and the Mudblood were snogging! Malfoy and the Mudblood! I can prove it!" She hurriedly dug out the pictures of Hermione and Draco practically eating each other's faces off in the hallway. A seventh year grabbed Draco by the scruff of his neck and dragged him from under the table.

"What the bloody hell were you doing with that Mudblood?"

"What are you, an effing Gryffindor?"

"What are you playing at, are you going to tell us you're a Blood Traitor or something?"

"Snape should kick you out!"

"Yeah, go to Gryffindor where you belong, you arsehole!"

Draco scrambled out of their grips and tried to make a run for it. _Tried._

"Petrificus Totalus!" Warrington yelled, hitting Draco in the back. The other Slytherins snickered as Draco froze in place, then toppled over, still frozen. Blaize muttered the counter curse and helped his friend up, only to be hit with a barrage of curses and insults

"Alright Blaise," Draco said, smoothing his robes. "We're telling everyone the truth."

Everyone stopped throwing insults around and looked at him with mild curiousity shadowed by accusatory glares.

"I was making out with the Mudblood for a bet, more specifically a significant sum of Galleons." Draco left out the part about the cone bra.

The expressions at the table faded from enraged and Pansy's harassed screeching was ignored, although some of the Slytherins were still glancing skeptically back and forth between Draco's face and the picture. Finally becoming exasperated with Pansy's accusations of Draco being a liar, Blaise splashed the remainder of his pumpkin juice down her shirt. "Sod off, Parkinson. Can't you tell when you've been beat?" A furious and dripping Pansy hurried back to the dungeons. Draco picked up his books and exited the hall also, not wanting to push his luck with suspicious Slytherins.

"So, the bet going well?" Blaise said as he sidled up to Malfoy on the way to Divination.

"Yeah, I s'pose," said Malfoy absentmindedly. "But I have no idea about getting her into a date with me. That might be a bit different than insulting each other until we randomly start making out. Wait, give me a minute! I do have an idea! There's no Potions class going on right now, right Blaise?"

Blaise nodded, but frowned, spotting Draco's plan. "Come on, Draco. Amortentia? Now that's about the most unoriginal solution I've ever thought of! You're not being any fun!"

"Yeah well, I'm a Slytherin, and last time I checked you were, too! And you never said anything about using potions when you proposed the bet. I need those Galleons," _and that Granger_, he thought to himself, then turned and headed briskly downstairs again.

"Hey, mate! Where're you going?"

"Skiving off Divination. Tell Trelawney that my clairvoyant vibrations alerted me to grave danger in class today." With that he was off.

Unfortunately for Draco, Snape was not in his office, nor in the Potions classroom. _Not that it matters anyway, _he thought. _Divination's a waste of my time. _Just as he was traipsing down the corridor towards the Slytherin common rooms, he heard footsteps slapping behind him. He turned to see no other than Granger.

"No, nuh-uh, not happening, no matter how good a kisser I am and no matter how much you're itching to drool all over my ahdorable fishy lips, there is no way in hell that I am snogging this close to the Slytherin common room, even if they are all convinced that it was only for a bet."

At realizing what he had just said, Draco's eyes bugged out. He had just told Hermione to her face that their whole relationship (if one could call it that) was fake. With his knowledge of girls (mainly Pansy Parkinson), he expected her to flip out, hex his face off, start crying, then run away and hide from society for five years. So what Hermione did next thoroughly surprised Draco.

"Oh good, you told your whole house a cover story too. Now I don't have to feel bad. I was just coming down here to warn you that I told Harry and Ron that you were holding me against my will and molesting me, so I'd expect that they'll be coming down in a mo' and I'd highly advise that you get as far away as possible because they mean business."

"Potty and Weasel, meaning business? Wow, I'm sooo scared," he said, sarcasm oozing from his voice.

"Oh shut it, Malfoy, you know that you're going to be sprinting away to go cower in your dungeon the second I'm out of here. Oh and don't expect me to 'drool all over your ahdorable fishy lips,' because I really don't like you. If you ask me, Ginny probably imperioed me, which is why I willingly snogged you."

Suddenly, footsteps could be heard charging down the hallway. Hermione grinned cheekily at Draco and dashed down the corridor, out of sight. Before Draco could shout, "Come back!", try to escape, or even digest what she had just said, Ron and Harry had confronted him. Harry, face caked with pale makeup, black guyliner and black lipstick, panted menacingly at Draco. Ron, skidding from his attempt at a sprint, and gave what Draco guessed was his try for a glare.

"You… hurt… my… friend," Harry growled.

"Yeah… that," said Ron stupidly.

"You… must…pay!" roared Harry.

Ron waved his wand around.

"No one… gets… away… with…that… when… Harry… Potter… can… save… them!"

"Bit of a hero complex you've got there, Potter. Oh, and speaking in third person! Impressive!"

Ron got so angry at this that he attempted to throw a spell at Malfoy. Instead, though, the hex backfired and Ron was left with pustules popping up and obscuring most of his face.

"'Arry! 'Elp!" Ron cried in a shout muffled by boils the size of small tomatoes.

Harry dramatically stood in a dueling stance and faced Malfoy, wand raised.

"YOU'LL PAY!" With quick work, he cause Malfoy's eyebrows to grow until they obscured his face, then muttered a complicated incantation that caused both of Malfoy's ears to quadruple in size.

"Take that!" Malfoy couldn't talk; the eyebrows had already covered his mouth, but he could hear perfectly well. He winced as he heard a very familiarly shriek of delight. _What's Pansy doing here?_ He wondered to himself. He shuddered again as he heard her voice.

"Ooooh! Harry-kins! You hexed stupid old Malfoy! And you look a bit like, SNAPE! OOOOH!" Then Malfoy heard a disgusting smooching sound of Pansy planting a big one on Harry's makeup caked cheek. He winced to himself. _Bloody hypocrite. _

"Now, Harry-kins, let's truss Mr. Malfoy up and hide him away where no one will ever find him. He'll pay for his disastrous actions!"

"Yeah! Yeah!"

"_Incarcerous!"_

Oh _eff._

* * *

Special thanks to…

All my reviewers: Verinova (glad you liked it; I was a bit worried how everyone would take Harry and Ron's behavior), Margaritalimes (Thank you! Yes, anger is an awesome bonding agent…), Lucifer's Advocate (see, I did update pretty darn fast!), and Mila (thanks for your kind review!).

To all my readers: please review and tell me what you think! I'd really appreciate it.


	6. Chapter 6 Rescues, Rows and Irritability

Disclaimer: I am not JKR, and don't own HP, etc, etc ,etc

Quick note: This is a bit of a filler chapter, so don't worry, much more action in the next chappy! With that, let's proceed to...

Chapter Six – Rescues, Rows and Irritability

"Blaise? Snape? Anyone?" Draco couldn't help it; he was feeling scared despite his best efforts to keep his fears at bay. He had no idea where he was, his wand was tossed in the hallway and he was bound by strong ropes. He had been flung here – 'here' could be anywhere, Draco just knew that it was dark, and _cold – _by Potter and Parkinson, and his ribs throbbed in pain. For all he knew, he could have been missing for minutes, hours or days.  
"Mum," he whimpered softly, and hugged his knees closer to himself. More than the quilt of darkness, more than the suppressing cold, he was engulfed by an ominous feeling of loneliness. Draco would have been happy to see anyone, even Parkinson! Even Potty! Even the Weasel – no, not the Weasel. Draco shivered, grimacing at the sight he must be. This was probably karma for always teasing Colin Creepy's overgrown unibrow…

...

Hermione crept out from the niche in the wall she had been crouched in, watching the events unfold. She felt a flutter of nervousness as she saw Harry and Pansy run off with Draco. She bent over to Ron, who was still buried in pulsating pustules. She cancelled the spell with a flick of the wand.

"What'd they do with Malfoy?" she said, attempting for a nonchalant tone. Thankfully for her, Ron was pretty dense and didn't seem to notice the small spark of concern in her eyes.

"I don't know! I was here, bravely enduring those boils - "

"Which you inflicted upon yourself," Hermione finished for him.

"Well, er, yeah, but they still hurt!"

Hermione just rolled her eyes. She wasn't going to go search for Malfoy; just because they had snogged didn't mean she really liked him or anything… anyway, he was a Slytherin, he could take care of himself and Hermione was sure he'd be irritated if she 'rescued' him.

...

Draco had been feeling around the cold stone walls, but could find no means of a door. He didn't want to stray too far from where he had ended up, who knows where he'd be, then! He felt for weaknesses in the stones, anything. There was nothing. For now, Draco was officially trapped. At least the hexes were starting to wear off; his eyebrows looked merely bushy and his ears only slightly overlarge. Plus, the ropes binding him had loosened, allowing him to move his arms and wriggle out of their clutches.

...

After dinner, Hermione still hadn't seen hide or hair of both Malfoy and Harry. She was beginning to get seriously worried. Ron, oblivious though he was, had even begun to realize that his best friend was mysteriously lost.

"Okay Ronald, we're going to hold an official search for Harry. I've already alerted Dumbledore that Harry can't be found, but he didn't seem too worried. How can he not be concerned?"

"Too many lemon drops?" Ginny piped in.

"You're probably right," said Hermione with a wan smile. "I don't care what Dumbledore says, though. It's just not normal for Harry to be missing for this long. What if…" her voice trailed off. "Might this have to do with Voldemort?"

"No way," said Ron confidently. "He hasn't been at all concerned with You-Know-Who in the past weeks, you know, he was too busy tryin' ta get Pansy's attention."

"You are so shallow, Ron."

"Me? Shallow?" Ron spluttered, but Hermione had already left the hall and started her search for Harry… and someone else.

...

Hermione wrenched open the door of a broom closet. She had already searched two floors to no avail. She heard something. "Harry?"

"MMPH!" Hermione peeked towards the source of the noise and recoiled with a jump, slamming the closet door.

"For once Ron was right," she muttered. "That boy must have been slipped Amortentia." She shuddered at her sighting of Harry and Pansy in the broom closet… She was about to turn and go, when she called, "Harry!"

Harry must have stopped snogging Pansy for a moment because he replied (in a slightly dazed voice), "Yeah?"

"What'd you do with Malfoy?"

Hermione heard 'Room of Requirement,' then a smooching sound that indicated that Harry was incapable of saying anything more.

...

"I need to find the place where Malfoy is hidden… no, that can't be right. I need to find the place where Harry and Parkinson Put Malfoy. I need a place to hide Malfoy!" A door materialized and Hermione pushed it. It stuck on its hinges. She got a running start and crashed into it. Nothing happened. She tried 'Alohomora.' Nothing. "DRACO, OPEN UP!"

From inside the room, Draco heard a faint yelling coming from somewhere to his right. He carefully stepped to where he heard the voice and felt along a wall. A door of some sort had materialized. He grabbed the handle and tugged. "CAN'T OPEN IT!" he roared.

"ON THREE!" the familiar voice responded. In Draco's state of fear, relief, pain and exhaustion, he couldn't quite make out who it was.  
"ONE… TWO…. THREE!"

With a tremendous crash, the door flew open. "Oof!" grunted Draco as something heavy fell on top of him. Correction: _someone_. "Blaise?" he muttered, weak with relief from being able to talk to another person.

"Excuse me! Should I take that as an insult or a compliment? And no, it is certainly not Zabini!"

"Oh, er, Granger. Rather compromising position _you've_ put us in." He stressed the 'you.'

"You wish, Malfoy!" With effort, she got off him. He picked himself up rather unsteadily.

"Let's get out of here. And then I'm going down to Snape to report those two idiots."

"Not that he could find them to give them a proper chewing out," Hermione said.

"Huh?"

"Broom closet."

"Oh… Merlin! Bad mental images!"

The two hurried into the hallway. Draco stumbled, his ankle crumpling under him.

"Are you okay?" Hermione said, concern etched in her face.

"I'm fine, not like I'd need your help, Mudblood."

"Oh, so it's back to Mudblood, is it? Well, _ferret_ I would help you if you weren't being such an arrogant git!" She hurried after him, down the stairs towards the Potion master's office.

"Why are you following me?" he snarled, not wanting to owe Hermione anything for 'rescuing' him.

"Well, I wouldn't want ickle Drakey to trip and hurt himself!" she said in a baby voice.

Draco glared at her but continued on his way. Hermione stood a few feet back as he knocked imperiously on Snape's door.

"Who _is _it?" shouted an aggravated voice, even by Snape standards.

"Draco Malfoy."

"Did you find a cure for lycanthropy, massacre some Gryffindors or confiscate Dumbledore's lemon drops?"

"Well, no sir, but-"

"Then you're not worth a moment of my time!"

Draco turned to storm back dramatically to the Slytherin common room, but fell on his ankle again. He grimaced in pain and tried to pick himself up again.

"Help me up, you ungrateful Mudblood!"

"No," said Hermione slowly. "I don't think I will. After all, who needs help from a Mudblood?"

With that, she turned on her heel and marched back upstairs. Draco scowled, emotions tangling and boiling over in a brew that would challenge Neville's worst potions sample. If he didn't start turning up the charm, he would never get those galleons from Blaise! Then again, why did he have to even pretend to like that stupid Gryffindor and look desperate while doing so? He would just rely on his _natural_ charm (i.e. stunning blonde hair, eyes of ice and fit body) to entice Hermione. They had snogged, so what? He was _always, always, always _going to be enemies with Granger.

....

The atmosphere at Draco and Hermione's cauldron the next day was stony. Even Snape's glares couldn't compare to the looks that the pair was exchanging. Both chopped roots, stirred, and heated the potion silently. Finally, Hermione broke the glacial silence.  
"Fetch a vial from the cabinet, will you Malfoy?"

"Stop talking to me, spawn of filth," Draco snarled.

"Glad you found a synonym for Mudblood," Hermione retorted coolly. Her glance was condescending, as if Draco was a small, petulant child throwing a silly tantrum. Draco squirmed, unused to the feeling. Usually _he_ was the one giving belittling stares. Usually _he_ was the one to get the upper hand in arguments. Draco was completely uncomfortable being on the opposite end.

"Stop embarrassing me!" he hissed, hoping that no one had overheard their exchange.

"Stop acting like a three year old, then, and fetch a vial from the cabinet."

"I can't deal with this – someone of your _status_ talking to me as if I were some sort of butler." The statement had the desired effect: Hermione couldn't keep her cool.

"MY _STATUS?! _Oh you're one to talk, Malfoy, do you even understand what your father is? I'd bet his coif wouldn't look so pretty if he was locked in Azkaban where he belongs!"

"Don't insult my father, you scum! Your parents are _Muggles! _Probably couldn't tell one end of the wand from the other, eh Granger?"  
"Oh, don't you talk about my parents-"

"_Are we quite finished_?" interrupted a smooth voice. Both students looked up at Snape, Hermione's face still blotchy with anger, Malfoy's pasted with a look of feigned innocence.

"I suppose that'll be… what, 10 points for accusing Mr. Malfoy, 20 for disrupting class and 20 for purposely being irritable. So, 50 points from Gryffindor it total, Ms. Granger?"

Hermione dug her nails into the table, enraged.

"And detention, tonight, 8 o'clock, both of you." Draco gave the professor a blank stare, nonplussed. "8 o'clock," Snape repeated.

Oh _eff._

* * *

Yes, yes, it was long, and boring, and terrible, but trust me, I think you're going to like the detention chapter more...

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'd really appreciate if you could all tell me what you think of the story and critique! Thanks again!


	7. Chapter 7 Impulse Draught

Disclaimer: I don't own HP, am not JKR... just warning you, things get a little weird in this chapter... so let's proceed to...

Chapter Eight – Impulse Draught

Hermione sat apprehensively on the stone bench in front of Snape's office. To her immense relief, Draco wasn't early. She didn't know if she could deal with another shouting match right before a detention with the dungeon bat. At exactly eight o'clock, the door opened, seemingly of its own accord. At that moment, Draco dashed in. Hermione walked carefully after him.

"4 seconds late, Ms. Granger. 5 points from Gryffindor."

Hermione wanted to strangle the greaseball. "But, Malfoy was coming in as well-"

Snape interrupted her. "Another 5 for contradicting a teacher."

"Someone has a problem with authority," muttered Hermione. Unfortunately, Snape overheard.

"5 more, I believe."

_Curse that Snape and his bat like hearing! _Thought Hermione as she stormed toward the cauldron. Snape ignored her exasperation and began slowly, "Tonight, you two will be brewing an immensely complicated potion, known as the Impulse Draught. This potion strengthens the user's feelings and apparently Madame Pomfrey needs it for-" he glanced at a note in the Healer's neat print "- emergencies in which someone is fatally injured and needs the will to live…" He furrowed his brow, talking to himself now. "That usage doesn't seem accurate; I might need to have a word with Poppy…" He raised his voice. "Meanwhile, you two will begin the Potion. It is a very fast brewing solution, which makes it even more complicated. You will need to be entirely focused." He gave a pointed glance at Hermione.

"Oh and Draco, don't think you're being punished. I just needed your expertise at Potions, because I don't know if I can trust Ms. Granger with a brew this difficult…" Snape whispered to Draco, then departed with a smirk at Hermione.

...

Upstairs, in a very small broom closet, two students were conspiring.

"Plan B is all set up!" Ginny whispered excitedly. "If this doesn't work, I will seriously force one of them to ask the other out at wand tip!"

"And Pomfrey is secured?"

"Yes, hidden away somewhere even Snapey won't find her."

"Dare I ask?"

"You don't want to know."

"Really? I actually do! Can I guess?" Without giving her time to answer, he started guessing. "Umm, the Slytherin Common Room?"

"No! I know it's disgusting in there, and there's probably a lifetimes supply of Firewhiskey and anything else with a high alcohol content, but the last thing we want is to have a piss drunk healer… what if that potion has bad side effects?"

"You know as well as I do that if those possible 'side effects' include Draco's appearance being marred, he'll hunt you down and AK you. But on another subject, I've run out of guesses."

"Good, because I'm not telling you. You might just take pity on Pomfrey and rescue her, and we don't want that happening – this is Hermione and Draco's love life we're talking about, anyway!"

"By the way, the handwriting duplicator charm was quite clever."

"I know! But still, who would know that old Pomfrey had such freakishly neat handwriting?"

"Oh well. I'd be more concerned about whether Impulse Draughts are _actually_ used to revive the half dead…"

"No, honestly I don't think so. I got the recipe from Fred and George's Hormone Haranguer stock…"

"That would explain it. So, if all goes according to plan, the two will each simultaneously realize that they have immense love for each other and on an impulse, start making out and arranging Hogsmeade dates?"

"Right."

"You're insane."

"Don't you mean an insanely good kisser?"

"Oh yeah, that. Definitely."

...

An awkward silence had settled over Snape's office like a moldy cloak. Hermione, despite herself, noted that Draco was quite good at brewing when he wasn't distracted hexing Gryffindors. She idly noticed that he was biting his lip in an absolutely adorable way…. _Ew, did I just call him adorable? _Hermione thought. _This brewing must be muddling my brain_. Fumes from the potions_ were_ misting up and smothering the room in pinkish fog. Suddenly, Hermione felt a terrible urge to grab Malfoy and abandon the potion for a broom closet. She shook her head and refocused on the potion.

...

Ginny tore herself away from Blaise when the closet door opened with a swift _snap_. A seething Snape stood in front of the two students.

"You would do well to know, Ms. Weasley, that handwriting charms only last so long," Snape snarled. Ginny cowered.

"What does that potion _really_ do?"

Ginny's teeth chattered in fear. "Well, at worst s-sir, they'll start m-making out and, and-"

"ENOUGH!" yelled a scandalized Snape. "And where, may I ask, did you acquire this potion recipe?"

"Well, er, Fred and George's… H-hormone H-haranguer… they were making a stock for those 'womanizing wizards,' and 'sexy sorceresses'-"

"ENOUGH! You're coming with me!" The uncomfortable look on Snape's face would've been priceless, but at the moment, Ginny and Blaise would probably be in detentions for the rest of their Hogwarts careers.

...

Malfoy watched, looking up from stirring the thick fuchsia draught to stare at Hermione. She shook her long, silky hair and began to mince frog brains in an increasingly sexy way. _Sexy? The Mudblood? _Draco tore his eyes away from her, though all he wanted to do was lean over the potion and meet those invitingly chapped lips…

When Snape stomped in, dragging Ginny Weasley and Blaise Zabini in by their ties. Blaise had a telltale smear of lip gloss on his collar, and Ginny looked very guilty.

"The potion is practically done," Hermione started, but then she noticed Snape angrily shaking Ginny by the shoulders and shouting something. Filled with anger at Snape, first for giving her detention in the first place, then taking more points from Gryffindor, then publicly snubbing her potion skills, and now screaming at her petrified friend, Hermione's impulse shifted from a desire to graphically French Malfoy to an unavoidable urge to hex Snape's buttocks off.

The fumes were seeping up Malfoy's nose and making his head feel fuzzy. Only one word could penetrate the prevalence of pink: _Granger_. He wasn't going to fight anymore, he needed this. He lunged toward her, about to plant his mouth on hers…. And fell on hard stone. Wondering, mortified, if Hermione didn't like him, he picked himself up, ready to throw himself out the window if he couldn't get that kiss. But Hermione wasn't paying any attention to Malfoy; he could've Crucio'ed her and she wouldn't notice. Hermione had charged Snape, firing off a succession of spells. A burst of orange light from Hermione's spells burst, and combined with the pink fumes, the rooms was thrown into temporary blindness. When the mists cleared, unrecognizable Snape was trussed on the floor, giant ropes wrapped around him. He was stiff as a board from Petrificus Totalus, and somehow, Hermione had transfigured his legs into tentacles. Clearly still light headed from the Impulse Draught, Hermione Hovered the Professor deeper into the office and stuffed him into a cauldron. When she turned around, Malfoy was waiting. Ginny and Blaise turned away, covering their eyes at the explicit display of affection between the two.

"Now we know the detrimental effects of an overdose of Impulse Draught fumes," Ginny muttered. "No wonder the twins never dared to sell this at Hogwarts."

Just as Hermione and Draco were going back at it after a quick air break, the door opened. A livid Poppy Pomfrey stood in the doorway, wand out, a manic gleam in her eyes.

"YOUR TIME IS UP!" she screamed. "HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU IMPRISON ME IN _THERE?_ In a BROOM CLOSET with POTTER and that PARKINSON SLUT!"

Blaise gave Ginny a disbelieving look. "You are a cruel, cruel girl," he said, shaking his head in incredulity.

Madame Pomfrey was looking (understandably) insane. "TEENAGERS!" she ranted. "I CAN'T TAKE IT!" She aimed her wand.

Maybe she was still inebriated on the Impulse Draught, maybe she was reeling and lightheaded from her make out session, or maybe she was just using common sense. Either way, Hermione shouted, "RUN!"

All four students bolted for the window, ready to even repel down the castle wall to escape the crazed Healer, but stopped, aghast, at the sight that awaited them.

Oh _eff. _

* * *

Yes, yes, I know, huge cliffy... even I don't know what's going to happen, but i'll figure it out!

and just a quick note: "AK" stands for Avada Kedavra and "French" in this instance means french kiss. (i abreviated to make it sound less 'wordy' and more 'natural dialouge.')

Thank you to all my reviewers! Please review if you liked it, hated it, found lots of errors, anything! (My friend was just saying that if I ask everyone to review, no one will, but.... we'll see about that...)


	8. Chapter 8 Shark Bait

Disclaimer - I don't own anything!!!!! Excessive exclamation points!!!!!!

Chapter Eight – Shark Bait

"Oh eff!" Hermione screamed. Behind her was Madame Pomfrey, mad as a hornet's nest; and in front of her was the lake, obviously. But it was more than just a lake at the moment. A slimy tentacle was waving something – no, _someone_- through the air.

Draco ignored the fact that the giant squid was kidnapping his Potions professor and godfather, who, thanks to Hermione's clever spell work the moment before, now had tentacles nearly as convincing as the squid's. He conjured ropes with a flick of his wand and opened the locked window. With another swish, the ropes wrapped themselves around the ledge of the window securely. Draco recklessly jumped onto the sill and began to climb down the ropes. Ginny followed suit, eager to get away from the healer, who had only been temporarily incapacitated with shock by the sight of Snape and the squid. Hermione, with a nervous glance at the ground, which seemed close enough to reach, but still too far away to be a comfortable fall, gritted her teeth and clambered onto the rope. By now, Snape's face was whiter than a sheet, Draco had reached the ground, Pomfrey was recovering from shock and Hermione was halfway down… but Blaise wasn't on the rope!

"What the hell, Zabini?" Malfoy barked, wanting to pull the rope down as soon as all the students were on the ground.

Blaise was quaking at the sill, one hand and leg at the rope, the other half of him still gripping the window ledge.

Ginny, now safely on solid ground, gave her boyfriend puppy eyes. "Come on Blaise! You can do it!"

"What do you mean, 'he can do it'?" Draco snarled. "What's wrong with him?"

Ginny slapped his arm, hard. "Don't make fun of him!"

Hermione had now reached the ground. "What are you two fighting about?"

"Blaise is being a-"

"Draco is being a-"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Now, why isn't Blaise coming down?" Hermione asked calmly.

"This is no time for diplomacy Granger, he has to get out of there and now!"

"3…2…1," Malfoy counted down. "Too late!" He spelled the rope to fall out of Blaise's reach. Half of him flailing off the window ledge, Zabini plummeted like a stone. Hermione used some fast charm work and Hovered him safely to the ground.

"Bloody hell! What were you thinking, Malfoy?" Blaise shouted.

"Shhh…. We know you have zilch upper body strength, Zabini, so get over it!"

"Umm… what? My triceps happen to be a gift from Merlin!"

"Gift of Merlin, my arse! I know your tricks, Zabini – you avoid all upper body involving tasks and pass it off as sexy Slytherin laziness!"

"Well, I think his triceps are divine!"

Hermione watched the arguing students with a mixture of exasperation, amusement and impatience. Finally deciding that getting expelled for arguing too long over Blaise's arm muscles would be a waste of an education, she Silencioed everyone. "Enough!" she said forcefully. "We need to get back into the castle without being seen, and we should probably find a way to help Snape…. No, or not…."

Working himself free of the silencing charm, Draco replied. "Unfortunately for you, I'm insisting on rescuing Snape. How else will Slytherin win the house cup?"

"Oh fine," said Hermione reluctantly, only giving in because Draco had semi- admitted that Snape was quite unfair about docking points for all houses excluding Slytherin.

"OK," said Ginny. "So we need to rescue Snape, make it back into the castle and fix up Pomfrey's memory all in one night, _without being seen?"_

"Right," the three others chorused.

"But how are we going to get in without being seen?"

"Please! I may have zilch arms, but I'm still a Slytherin! There's a passage that leads straight to the dungeon right under the lake!"

"_Under_ the lake, Blaise?" Hermione said, incredulous.

"Shut it, Granger, we've got to get Snape and get out of here!"

"Shut it yourself, Malfoy!"

With that, the three students rushed to the lakes edge. The squid was still waving Snape through the air, grasping him in his tentacle.

"Is he even alive?" Ginny asked loudly.

Before anyone could answer, they heard a desperate, strangled cry from the Potions professor.

"I guess that's a yes then," Ginny said.

"Accio Snape!" Hermione yelled, and with a giant _squelch_ Snape (who still had tentacles thanks to Hermione) flew through the air, in the process landing on Draco.

"Eww!" growled Draco, wiping tentacle slime off himself and standing up. "Watch where you land, Snapey."

Snape looked up, his face white from the cold and so angry that it looked like a frightening theatre mask. "Tentacles," Snape snarled. Knees shaking slightly, Hermione muttered the counter curse.

"If you can make it back into the castle without being expelled, I'm taking 500 points from Gryffindor," Snape said, glaring daggers at Ginny and Hermione, then nodding at Draco and Blaise.  
"For your sake, I'm keeping this quiet, Zabini, Malfoy. But if one word gets out about-" he shivered. "-the tentacles, _all_ of you will get a month of detention and receive a permanent 'T' in Potions. Now how do you plan to get us all back into the castle unseen?"

"Follow me," Blaise said confidently, walking furtively towards a specific spot at the lakeside.  
He poked around in the weeds for a minute, then yelled, "Here it is!"

Draco, Hermione, Ginny and Snape followed his voice to a carefully hidden stairwell leading into the depths of the lake.  
"Got any gillyweed on you, Professor?" Blaise asked pleadingly.

Snape consented and reached into the depths of his voluminous robes. "You all owe me, big time." He sighed. "The things that are asked of me…"  
The students and the professor quickly swallowed the gilly weed, and as flippers and gills began to emerge, they dove into the water.

"Come on," Blaise mouthed, motioning the group to follow him.

It felt like they had swum for hours. The lake was freezing and the five constantly had to make detours due to Snape's new found phobia of creatures with tentacles. After his fifth shaking fit at the sight of a piece of kelp that looked marginally like half a tentacle, Hermione was ready to scream. Finally, the group had reached the dregs of the lake.

"It's not far," Blaise tried to say, but all that escaped from his mouth was giant air bubble. A portal of sorts emerged among the stones at the bottom of the lake. Hermione felt relieved – she couldn't risk being seen and (gasp!) expelled. She eagerly swam towards the door, about to grab the rust hinge and pull, when something grabbed her arm in an iron vise.

She looked up to see the sharp face, wild seaweed beard and wide mouth full of sharp teeth of a merman. Eyes bugging, she paddled backward, only to see that they were surrounded by angry looking merman. One held a neon sign that obnoxiously advertised "NO TRESPASSING." Hermione saw Ginny mouth something that looked suspiciously like "_shit_". Snape was wildly motioning with his arms and shouting something, but Hermione was too scared to try and figure out what he was saying – for all she knew, he might have seen half a slug and mistaken it for a giant squid.

Snape knew exactly what needed to be done. Unfortunately, they were underwater, so his shouting "MAKE A DIVERSION!" went unheard. Snape saw that the other students were panicking as well. How stupid could these children be? Finally exasperated, and decided that he would sacrifice some members to the cause – he was a Slytherin, after all – Snape took action. With a swift kick of his flippers, he mashed Hermione and Draco together in a hasty makeout session. It wasn't the most scenic kiss, but it worked. The merpeople gaped and formed a circle around the couple, staring, scandalized. Snape grabbed a shocked Ginny and Blaise by the scruffs of their necks, and leaving Granger and Malfoy, swam for his life. He wrenched the portal open and threw the students though, tumbling after them into the middle of the Slytherin common room…

"_WTF?!" _Hermione thought as she was pressed against Draco. So she did what she thought was right: she gave Draco the best underwater kiss of his life. She heard noises of revulsion and laughed inwardly… until her fogged brain realized who it was surrounding them. She broke the kiss off suddenly and stared around. The mermpeople had formed a tighter circle around her, Draco, Blaise, Ginny and- Wait! Where were Blaise, Ginny and Snape? Suddenly Hermione understood. They were left as well, shark bait.

Oh _eff._

* * *

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And I apologize if there were any mistakes - I wrote this really fast in the midst of a cramming session for a test. Oh and also I may have made some mistakes about the whole gillyweed thing, sorry, I haven't read the fourth book in a while.  
For anyone who noticed (and read the 5th Percy Jackson book)... umm the underwater kiss! I kind of did that by accident, but it's not really noticable if you didn't read the "last olympian."

Should I continue this story? Please let me know.


	9. Chapter 9 Coif Control

Disclaimer: I am not JKR and I don't own HP

Chapter Nine – Coif Control

Somehow, Snape, Ginny and Blaise had landed in the middle of the Slytherin common room. While they would have had to face a horde of merpeople in the lake, Blaise wondered if that fate would be preferable to the mass of Slytherins lounging on the couches in the common room. Blaise nervously glanced at the forms of Flint, Harper, Warrington, Uruquhart and Vaisey…. Then breathed a sigh of relief.

"What?" Snape snapped irritably.

"We got sooo lucky," Blaise said, relief weighing his words. "They're never going to know that we were here. In fact, they probably won't remember anything that happened tonight."

"Ah," muttered Snape. "The infamous Slytherin alcohol bashes. Honestly, what is it with adolescents and massive amounts of highly concentrated firewhiskey?"

"Shit!" Blaise whispered between his teeth suddenly.

"And why do you feel the need to use such profanity, Mr. Zabini? Although it can be rather stress relieving…" Snape trailed off.

Blaise pointed a finger at Ginny, who was gulping down an open bottle of some kind of alcoholic concoction.

"S'mthing bout stress relieving, Perfesser?" Ginny slurred.

"I don't know what's in there, but it's a hell of a lot stronger than gilly water, I'd bet," Blaise said, looking despondently at his girlfriend. "And she does _not _hold her alcohol well."

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing that all hope was lost when a Weasley was paired with hard liquor.

"What should we do, Prof-?" Snape cut off Blaise by pushing past him and grabbing a bottle of drink and taking a long swig.

"'S strong stuff!" Snape mumbled, somewhat incoherently. "Tonight was _fun_," the Professor managed, then collapsed to the ivy colored carpet. Blaise, without thinking, decided that he may as well follow suit. It might be his last chance to get good and hammered before he was kicked out of school. Before completely passing out, he idly wondered at the fact that Snape had said 'fun.'

...

Draco had also passed out, although instead of in the warm common room, he had collapsed in a cell deep in the lake. His eyes fluttered weakly as Hermione prodded him rather roughly in the side.

"What the hell, Granger?" he managed with a groan.

"Wow. You _fainted,"_ she said, smirking. Draco, irritated, glowered at her.

"Where are we? What happened?" he said, voice escalating into a yell.

"Erm, you're not going to take this well, but we've kind of been imprisoned by merpeople."

"Bloody hell! Why did you let that happen?"

"Me? Since when is this my fault? It wasn't me who fainted in the throes of danger! And you should be thanking me for forcing them to give us a cell with actual air in it rather than water- if it wasn't for me, you'd be drowned and you wouldn't even know it!"

"Well, excuse me," Draco snipped. "Cell with air in it or not, it doesn't seem that Ms. Smartypants has been able to get us out of this."

"Stop blaming me!" Hermione shrieked. "Once we get back to the castle, you can torture Blaise and give Snape a Crucio for me! So save it!"

"Okay, okay," Draco said.

"So, what's _your_ brilliant rescue idea?" Hermione asked.

"Let me think, will you, Mudblood?"

"Fine, Ferret."

"At least I'm a hot, blonde ferret."

"That is completely off topic!"

"Oh please. You just don't want to admit it's true!"

"You're insufferable!"

"Trying to impress me with your vocab, Granger? Well take this: Your brain is clearly otiose!"

"You didn't give any context clues!"

"Shut your face!"

With that, Draco slunk to the corner of the cell farthest from Hermione and sulked. Hermione did the same in her corner, absentmindedly tracing the barnacles that clung to the rough walls of the cell. She fell into a light doze, but was awoken by a shout.

"What?" she asked drowsily.

"I'm getting us out of here!"

"How?"

Draco brandished what looked like a small, ornately carved hand mirror. "Two way mirror! I can talk with my dad!"

Hermione gasped. "Are you planning on using that to overthrow Dumbledore and the Light? You're communicating with Death Eaters! I KNEW IT!"

"Calm down," Draco said, his cheeks flushing slightly. "It's not really about the whole DE thing. See, my dad has a bit of a penchant for hair, and," Draco paused, looking down sheepishly. "And, every morning, he wakes me up with the mirror to," Draco stopped again, clearly embarrassed. "To make sure that every hair is in place." Draco shook his currently mussed 'do.

"If he saw my hair like this…." Draco shuddered at the thought. But he was interrupted by a shrill screech.

"DRACO ABRAXAS MALFOY! COIF CONTROL! REPORTING!"

"Oh damn it," Draco muttered. "It's _him_." He pointed at the mirror, which showed a sliver of startlingly pale hair and eyes that were too blue to be real (umm, contacts, Lucius?).

"That's Voldemort's right hand man?" Hermione said with a nervous laugh, but was cut off by a now businesslike Lucius.

"This is not a laughing matter. Draco, your hair is almost beyond repair. You need a stylist, A.S.A.P.! In fact, I'm coming over!"

"No!" Draco gasped.

"But no one can apparate into Hogwarts grounds, according to Hogw-"

"I read Hogwarts, A History! But he's going to come through the mirror! Damn! Get me out of here!"

Hermione almost didn't register the fact that Voldy's lieutenant was heading over through a magic mirror, she was too busy gaping at the fact that Draco had read Hogwarts, a History too.

"Draco," she murmured, eyes tearing. "You, you, you," she couldn't finish. She grabbed him and passionately made out with him, still in shock that he had actually managed to read the 6,000 page volume.

"Bad time," Draco tried to choke out, but it was too late. Lucius had squeezed himself out of the mirror. He took in the scene at hand: his son making out fiercely with someone… Lucius had avert his eyes – what a hair disaster! Both had seaweed tangled in their messed up manes, and the girl's looked as if it had been dragged through brambles. Lucius winced, but when Hermione grabbed Draco's hair and pulled him closer, he couldn't handle it.

"Are _you_ the one that is responsible for mussing my son's locks?" he yelled, and dragged the couple back through the mirror. Hermione, starting at the long nails digging into her arm and the sudden absence of the rocky walls of the cell, broke away from Draco.

"What? Where?" Then she saw Lucius.

"Makeover Central," he drawled. "Also known as Malfoy Manor."

Oh _eff._

* * *

Thanks so much for reading (and I hope you didn't mine the slight plot diversion). And sorry about the delayed update - I was working on another story (check it out!).  
Please review, it really helps!


	10. Chapter 10 I Don't Know What to Say

OK, this is a super long chapter…. And I don't own HP and am not JKR, so don't sue me!

Chapter Ten – I Don't Know What to Say

"Oooh, Minerva. That feels gooood," Snape mumbled in a state between sleep and wakefulness. Slowly, he cocked an eye to see the same Professor he had been apparently dreaming about. He recoiled. "I never said that," he spat, though the statement was lacking some its usual bite due to the fact that Snape had a pulsing headache from far too much hard alcohol.

"Goodness, Severus," Minerva said, a breath of amusement in her voice. "I don't know what to say."

"You can say that you will not tell anyone that I got good and hammered with two students."

Minerva laughed. "Unfortunately Severus, I had been delegated the unfortunate task of finding you after neither the Slytherins _or_ the Professor showed up at Potions this morning."

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose and glanced around at the common room. The other students were still mostly passed out, though some groaned lethargically on the floor.

"I suppose there is only one way to remedy the situation," he said cunningly. _And to get McGonagall to forget that I was mumbling about her in my sleep_, he thought to himself. He grabbed one of the few bottles not finished and passed to McGonagall.

"Come on, Minerva! Just a sip of this and you can forget that you have double Transfiguration with the Hufflepuffs next period…"

"One bit couldn't hurt, I suppose," McGonagall said. She took a long swig.

"Good stuff," she mumbled and tried to stand up. She pitched drunkenly around the room and nearly fell to the ground. Snape grabbed her arm and dragged her to the couch where she collapsed ungracefully. "Minerva," Snape said reprovingly, and glowered to force down the smirk that was threatening.

"Call me Minnie," the professor slurred, throwing herself boldly into Snape's lap.

"Goodness, _Minnie_," Snape said, more than a breath of amusement in his voice. "I don't know what to say."

...

"I don't know what to say!" Lucius cried. Draco hung his head in regret, a chunk of blonde falling over his eyes.

"Oh, don't do that!" Lucius cried with despair. "Poor Draco, it's okay, you shouldn't have to deal with a hair disaster all on your own."

With that, he flicked his wand and began humming. Hermione could make out the words, "Into the thick of it," and "But we can't see where we're going…"

"Dad," Draco said reprovingly. "Have you been singing Backyardigans songs again?"

Lucius looked slightly embarrassed and avoided answering. But Hermione noticed he'd started humming Celestina Warbeck instead.

Suddenly, Lucius waved his wand. The lights dramatically popped on, and Lucius, in a deep, commanding voice, yelled, "Cue the violins!"

Orchestra music blared from invisible speakers, and Hermione gasped as a hairdresser's chair and mirror spun into existence. Draco looked on in disgust. "He's awfully good at conjuring beauty parlors," the boy grunted before Lucius grabbed him and forced him into the chair.

"OUT!" he yelled to Hermione. "BUT YOU'RE NEXT!" he called to her retreating back.

Hermione exited the 'hair' room into what looked like an abandoned photoshoot set. A bespectacled man was grumpily putting away camera equipment and Covergirl products.

"Of course, he just leaves the set and leaves _me_ to clean up right in the middle of the shoot. And what's the excuse? Hair disaster! As if there aren't enough of those!" the man mumbled to himself, brushing an invisible piece of lint off his poly-blend pants. In his rage, he dropped one of the several cameras.

"Merlin's calculus grade!" he cursed.

"Erm, can I help you?" Hermione offered.

"Help? Help?" the man squawked. "Yes! Tell the Dark Lord I quit, I'm sick of doing secretarial work and using my technical mind to run Lucius's photo shoots! Could I hijack just one computer and advertise for the Death Eaters using the new software? Could I redesign just one robe to make it ergonomically comfortable? Could I use my extensive knowledge of math to help Draco scrape just one 'O+' in Arithmancy? NO! I'm stuck in this hellhole, having to buy Lucius hairspray and mousse when I can actually tell that there is a more efficient chemical combination for volume!"

"Erm, can I ask your name?" Hermione asked. "I'm Hermione."

"Dolohov. Antonin Dolohov."

Hermione immediately pieced everything together. "Death Eater? Dark Lord? _Dolohov?"_ She backed to the wall, wand out, trembling.

But the man was oblivious. He continued his rant, periodically fixing his horn rimmed glasses and toying with the setting on the camera, until Lucius's voice rang through the room. "Dolohov? Fetch me some raspberry infused water!"

Dolohov jumped into perfectly straight posture, as if awaiting more orders. "Are you sure you wouldn't like me to redesign your house in an environmentally friendly design? Or read my trigonometry textbook out loud for two hours and 46.9 seconds?"

"NO! GET THE WATER ALREADY!" Dolohov scurried off, just as another man lumbered in, promptly plopping himself onto the floor, his immense belly obscuring the polished floor.

"Hello," Hermione said, slightly shocked at the new arrival's stature, but determined to be polite.

The man ignored her in favor for stuffing several glazed doughnuts in his mouth.

"Are you a Death Eater too?" Hermione asked, then repeated the question in a yell when the man still didn't respond.

Wondering to herself if all DEs were this strange, she walked over to where he was sprawled.

"Excuse me?" she said, sharply. "Hello! I'm a MUGGLE born!" she screamed, trying to get a reaction.

"Mmmmph," the man grunted. "Muggles make good donuts."

"Will you at least respond to my question out of common courtesy?" Hermione said, seriously miffed.

The man looked at her, then continued gluttonously consuming doughnuts.

Hermione noticed the slight pointing of his pinky to his blaring shirt, which she hadn't noticed before.

"Oh," she said, more to herself than anyone when she read "I'm Too Lazy."

"What's your name?" she tried again.  
Really angry now, she prodded some of his prominent fat. He ignored her. Incensed, she grabbed the other 15 boxes of doughnuts and hugged them possessively.

"-Ey!" he yelled.

"What's your name?" Hermione annunciated carefully.

"Yaxxxleyyyy," the man groaned painfully, then collapsed with a grunt of "Must get more doughnuts tomooooo….." The sentence morphed into drool as Yaxley began to snore.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. So far, the DEs she'd met were quite strange. Just then, Draco burst from the room, his hair teased and sprayed so it looked like a male model's, but more girly and fake. Lucius came after him, hair now in an 80s perm.

"Oh Merlin," Draco said as he saw the collapsed mountain of Yaxley. "You wrote that he'd gained another 30 pounds, but I honestly didn't think it was possible."

Lucius sighed. "Yaxley is a problem. What can the Dark Lord do with a lieutenant that only wants to drool and eat? And the major food consumption is doing absolutely nothing for budget. Now Dolohov wants more funds set aside for advertising, just because he wants to experiment with new software! No one likes our flyers anyway; they say they're not 'feel good' enough. But really, how can we afford everything when Yaxley's charging up a $900 dollar fee at the doughnut shop every morning?" Lucius looked exasperated, but his expression changed dramatically when he noticed Hermione.

"But who wants to think of dreary accounting when there's hair to be done?"

As Hermione was led into the salon, she could hear Dolohov's faint protest at Lucius's jab at accounting.

...

"Severus Snape!" Dumbledore's angry voice cut through Snape's dreams. Irritated at being woken up again, Snape groggily reached for his wand, only to find that Minerva was in his lap in a, well, compromising position.

"Ah, Dumbledore. I honestly have no idea what occurred."

"Honestly? Then why have I heard from sources," Dumbledore pointed to one of the students who had been in the common room, "that you coerced Minerva into drinking this?" Dumbledore waved the empty bottle, nearly smashing it in his rage.

Snape inwardly cursed those Slytherins and their penchant for ratting on other people. That stupid – Snape glanced at the student to see if he could recognize him – Warrington, he should have been fully incapacitated, but no, thanks to Snape's dreadful luck, he couldn't even get himself and McGonagall drunk without enduring Dumbledore's rage. Hell, why should the man even care? He was practically high on lemon drops 25 hours a day! Lemon drops or not, Dumbledore was furious.

"How could you do this to me? You, _her?_" Dumbledore was shaking.

"What? Why do you care? Minerva and I got piss drunk is all, why do you care?" Snape repeated.

"You know what I'm talking about, Snape!" Dumbledore growled, his voice taking on a possessive tone.

"Ah." Snape had finally put two and two together. "So you two," he gestured at McGonagall and Albus coyly, "are an item?"

"NO!" Dumbledore yelled, and lunged for Snape.

"What, what?" Snape said, fully enjoying himself. "It's alright, Albus, aren't you the one who always preaches about _love?"_ As Snape said the dreaded word, he pursed his lips mockingly… only to be met with… Eww.

Snape shoved the other man away from him.

"Ugh! Albus!" Snape was at a loss for words.

"I love _you_ Severus!" Dumbledore said, voice filled with passion, eyes moony with love.

"I… don't… know… what… to… say?" Severus said uncertainly, eyes darting for an escape route.

...

"Wow, Lucius," Hermione breathed as she admired her coif in the mirror. Although Lavender and Parvati's handiwork had been stunning, Lucius's extensive hair knowledge paid off and Hermione looked breathtaking. The new 'do was beyond words. Lucius smiled proudly, practically inflated with ego.

"Pshh… and Dolohov says that _his_ formula would work better for volume. Somehow, I doubt it," Lucius continued.

Just then, Draco stepped in. His eyes found Hermione and he felt his legs quiver for a moment before tearing away. In between nodding and mumbling "yeah" to Lucius's prattling, he snuck too many glances at Hermione, trying to memorize every highlighted hair, every inch of shining mane. Finally he couldn't resist it. He ducked behind a monster bottle of shampoo to hide from Lucius, then scurried to Hermione.

"You look a bit improved, Granger," his comment was meant to be cool and a little condescending, but in Draco's state, just came out as breathy.  
Hermione raised her eyebrows, recognized Draco's glazed eyes and worshipping expression.

"Really, now?" She sidled flirtatiously closer to him and Draco's breath caught in his throat.

"Granger," he choked out, before grabbing her hair and pulling her face towards his… when he was interrupted.

"DRACO! I just spent two hours of precious time on Ms. Granger's hair! You can't just ruin my hard work like that or I will-" Lucius's voice dropped to a threatening tone "-cancel your subscription to Witch Weekly! And you can't look in Blaise's either for the 'Coif Countdown' section!" Lucius cackled evilly.

"See!" Draco said angrily as he backed away from Hermione. "He's cruel! Just _cruel!_"

Before Draco could continue yelling about the inhumane punishment, a figure burst in.

"Lucius!" she cried a constricted, hoarse voice. Hermione found the source of the super shallow breathing: the woman's corset. Usually, when one thinks of corsets, old fashioned manor houses come to mind, but this garment was anything but old fashioned. Any self respecting 1800s dweller would be appalled by the huge amount of skin it showed. Paired with nylon hotpants, the outfit was an atrocity, but Hermione supposed that the woman was trying to show off her "assets." However, the attempt just made her look like a first class skank.

"Bellatrix," Lucius said, smirking at the trashy outfit. "Have you been calling on dear Voldy again?"

"Yesss," Bellatrix purred. "He's infatuated with me! He like, said, 'Hello' to me, and even let me stand in the threshold of his room!"

"Yes, clear signs of affection," Lucius drawled. "But on a more important note, Bella. That hair – eugh. I'd prescribe frizz control, deep conditioning and a three hour session at the salon. Maybe some highlights to lighten it up?"

Bellatrix glared at him. "Actually, My Lord has a _mission_ for us."

"Oh yeah." Lucius brightened. "It's ahb-viously time for a DE raid!"

Hermione would have been happy to be left at the salon with Draco, but Lucius grabbed her.

"Yaxley's probably not going to be able to come on this mission, so for now you're our lieutenant!" he cried way too enthusiastically.

"I don't know what to say?!" Hermione said, confused.

As they tramped down the hallway, hordes of DEs emerged from side rooms, chanting "RAID! RAID! RAID!" and waving protest posters. They stopped at the end of the hallway, where the passage way forked. Hermione idly wondered what they were waiting for, and who they were following. With a pang of realization (or hair spray fumes, or her crush on Draco, or the atrocity of Bellatrix's apparel, or the fact that a DE Protest sign was jabbing her in the back), she realized that they were being led by _her._

Oh _eff._

* * *

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and I apologize for going all "DE-happy" on you guys. I couldn't help it though. I know that these DEs were portrayed very differently from the canon ones, but this is how me and my friend (PBinMyBrain – her Dramione story is on my favorites, so check it out!) see them…. Please let me know if you were okay with the random plot, or if you hated it. I just need to know so I can write more chapters – I want to know what you guys like!

By the way, kudos to anyone who's heard the Backyardigans song "Into The Thick of It" (i don't know if it's actually called that, but my friend's sister used to be obsessed with it and it cracks me up every time!)


	11. Chapter 11 Blame it on the Alcohol

**Fast note** – yes, I haven't updated in forever, but I have been waaaaay too busy, and admittedly, a little lazy. I'm really sorry, but updates are probably going to be sparse for a while! Anyway, a few of you weren't fond of chapter ten, yes it was totally crazy and I apologize, but this seems to be the direction the story is headed, so whatever – it's only for fun anyway. (I _might_ have a serious, plot-y story on the way, but no promises) Anyway, since a bunch of you were confused about Chapter 10, I added a quick summary just to tie in. I apologize ahead of time for the insanity, and I hope you don't mind!

**Plot summary of ten** – Snape emerges, hung-over, from his drinking session with Ginny and Blaise to find Minerva. Not wanting to be embarrassed, he coerces her to get drunk as well. Minerva passes out and Snape falls asleep. He is awoken by Dumbledore, who oddly pronounces that he is in love with Snape.  
Meanwhile, at Malfoy Manor, Draco is having his hair done in the salon and Hermione waits in the adjacent room, which is also the sight of one of Lucius's abandoned photo shoots. During her wait, she speaks with two extremely weird DEs – the nerdy and uber smart Dolohov, and the gluttonous and doughnut inhaling Yaxley. Meaningless conversation ensues, until Hermione is called into the salon. When Lucius is finished with her hair, she looks flawless. When Draco comes in, some Dramione action almost happens, but Lucius intervenes for the sake of Hermione's coif. Just then, Bellatrix bursts in, straight from a flirting session with Voldy to announce that it's time for another DE raid. Yaxley, who was supposed to be the lieutenant of this mission, is currently indisposed, so Hermione is chosen to fill in.

**Chapter Eleven – Blame it on the Alcohol**

"Malfoy?" Hermione asked, voice laced with uncertainty. "Can you like, call them off, or something? What the hell are we even 'raiding' and why am I being followed by Death Eaters?"

Draco smirked. Hermione was cute when she was in her "hesitant and confused" mode. He decided to toy with her just a bit (being Slytherin).  
"Well," he drawled. "Usually, the raids consist of capturing Muggles and torturing them, stealing valuable items, kidnapping children, and if we're bored, we'll sit in the park and hex squirrel tails off, but-" he broke off, enjoying the appalled expression on Hermione's face.

"And I have to lead this?"

"Unless you want to endure torture that consists of either numerous Crucios, or forcing Yaxley to walk through the bakery without buying anything. Obviously, if you fail at that and Yaxley buys a doughnut – or 12 – more Crucios will be coming your way….. But as I was saying, I think this is just a propaganda mission."

"Then why are they calling it a raid?"

"Well, Lucius is combining the propaganda mission with a CVS raid – how do you think he gets all those hair care products?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Erm, address your followers with a dramatic speech, then wait for Dolohov to issue directions. He is our human Global Positioning System anyway."

Draco led Hermione out to where a huge group of DEs was gathered. "You go up there," he whispered, pointing at a plastic deck chair. "Stand on it and give a gob-smacking speech, Granger!"

Hermione uncertainly clambered onto the chair, surveying her audience. She shivered as she saw the faces of Bellatrix, Dolohov, Avery, Rookwood, Jugson, and Travers, among too many others that should have either been in Azkaban or St. Mungo's mental ward.

"Erm, well, er. Hello?"  
Hermione saw Draco give her a disbelieving glance. _Okay, okay,_ she thought. She knew she needed to pull it together if she wanted to get out of this thing alive or at least unscathed.

She started again, forcing her voice to be loud and clear.

"A great man once said, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself!'" The crowd murmured excitedly at Hermione's outburst. Either they had heard of Franklin Roosevelt or just thought the saying had a nice ring to it.

"Well, as DEs, it is our supreme duty to not fear anything, to go beyond the bounds of normalcy, to explore uncharted waters! Even if some of you are a little insane…" She trailed off, realizing her mistake, but correcting herself. "Even if some of you are a little insane… INSANITY IS OUR SUSTENANCE! Who's with me? Now let's go RAID!"

Enormous cheers erupted, but Hermione could see Draco cracking up. She glared furiously at him, feeling her cheeks flush in spite of herself. The Deatheaters began to chant something that sounded like "RAID! INSANITY! RAID! INSANITY!" and Hermione felt a stab of pride…  
until a dark clad figure spun onto the plastic deck chair, knocking Hermione off unceremoniously. A spidery white hand grabbed her shoulder in a vise like grip and twisted Hermione's face so she was looking him in the eyes. At that moment, Hermione knew what it felt like to be truly terrified. Peering at her through glassy red eyes was Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and lifted her as if she was an ounce. "This," he snarled, giving a glare that could melt your face off, "represents what we will cleanse the world of."

The DEs stared up at him, nonplussed (except for Bellatrix, who batted her eyelids, still trying for a flirty look).

"This," he said, shaking Hermione. "Is the enemy. This, is a MUDBLOOD! You have all committed high treason!" Voldemort waved his wand, freezing everyone to the spot. "Wait in line," he said with a mirthless smile. With a swish of his wand, the frozen DEs had formed a line. "You'll all be tortured! And the Mudblood will be last! What do you think, straight forward Avada Kedavra or something more imaginative? I think," he said, glancing at the DEs, "that it should be fed to Nagini."

He cackled and gripped Hermione with one hand, the other doling out Crucios. Hermione quickly composed herself, knowing that nothing could be done when in sheer terror. A look at Draco told her that he wasn't exactly relaxing, though. The expression on his face would have been priceless if they weren't in a fatal situation. Hermione rolled her eyes at him.  
"Honestly, you're just getting tortured, _I'm_ the one who was going to be executed," she mumbled.

She inconspicuously pulled her wand from her pocket and performed an exemplary non verbal cutting charm on Voldemort's hand. With a scream of pain emanating from the Dark Lord, the hand fell from its wrist and Hermione fell too, the hand still gripping the shoulder. She exasperatedly grabbed Draco, who was still petrified with fear, and mumbled "Portus" at Dolohov, who glowed blue. She grabbed onto his preppy tie and Draco grabbed a chunk of his wavy hair, and with a navel tugging sensation, the three were off. They crashed to the ground abruptly.

"Where'd you take us, Mudblood?" Draco spat, clearly put off by being rescued by Hermione and trying to cover up for his terror at the Manor.

"Hogsmeade, Malfoy, and you should be thankful! You know if I hadn't gotten you out of there, you'd probably get tears all over Voldy's robe and wet yourself right then and there!" Draco gave her a disbelieving glare.

"Wet myself!? I haven't done that since…" he trailed off. Hermione smiled smugly.

Draco, hating the look on Hermione's face, grabbed her arm, trying to distract her. "We're going to the Three Broomsticks. I've never needed a Firewhiskey as bad as I do now."

"Is that a date?" Hermione asked slyly.

Draco glared at her and stomped into the bar.

...........

Several firewhiskeys later, both Hermione and Draco were feeling quite unsteady and acting more brazenly than normal.

"Hahahaha Drakey," Hermione giggled, not used to alcohol and not handling it well.

"Har-mo-ny," Draco slurred.

"That's not my name!" Hermione screeched with mirth, slouching forward on the stool and inadvertently getting closer to Draco.

His unfocused blue eyes locked hers and a silly smile played at her lips. The two leaned forward until… "Harmony, whassat thing on yer shoulderrrrr?" Draco asked drunkenly, pointing the severed hand of Voldemort still gripping Hermione's shoulder.

"Shut up and kiss me, Draco!" Hermione said with a whinge. But Draco had already moved on. He whistled cheekily at Madame Rosmerta.  
"Hey, Rosmeertah!" he yelled delightedly. The owner of the Three Broomsticks rolled her eyes.

"Drunken teenagers…" she grumbled. "Hold on!" With an airy wave, she disappeared behind the bar. Hermione leaned toward Draco again, tugging on his shirt desperately, just as Rosmerta reemerged.

"Drink this," she said authoritatively, placing a small vial of fizzy blue liquid in between the couple.

"Oooh, s'more firewhiskey?" Draco asked unsteadily.

"No, you naughty boy, now drink," Rosmerta said, tipping some down both his and Hermione's throats.

With a crash of stools, both students immediately fell to the ground, limp as rag dolls, either unconscious or dead.  
With a furtive glance, Rosmerta hefted the two students and dumped them unceremoniously behind the bar.

From a near table, two hooded, masked figures watched the events. One winked at Rosmerta. "The job is done." The two raised crystal goblets brimming with hard liquor into a toast, then drained the glasses with manic glee.  
From under the bar, Hermione gasped with pain, and looked exasperatedly at Draco, who had already passed out. She heard a bizarre cackle, then, "The two imbeciles will be sufficiently punished!"

Oh _eff._

_

* * *

_

Yes, rushed ending, I know. I'm sorry, better chapters for the future. Review and let me know what you think or suggest? Should I continue?


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